Singaporean Humour

Ah Beng was heading for the optician's shop in a shopping mall. He opened the door and told a lady, "I think I need my eyes checked." She answered, ''You're absolutely right. This is the ladies' toilet."

I have personally made the terrible blunder of entering a ladies' toilet by mistake (true stovy). Thank God, no lady was in there, or a thousand explanations wouldn't be enough to explain myself away and prove my innocence.

BANANA FRITTER BLUES

One day Pak Su had a craving for fried banana, fritters. He would have made some himself but he had no bananas, no butter, no flour and no sugar. His stomach was empty, his kitchen was empty, and more importantly his pockets were empty. He tried to distract himself by doing some reading but was tormented by images of a huge plate of deep fried banana fritters. He was getting hungrier and it appeared that his attempts to distract himself only made his stomach growl even more. Finally, he resolved t o walk t o the local sundry shop. “Do you have any flour?” he asked the amicable sundry shop owner. “Why yes, I do Pak Su.” “How about some sugar, do you have any?” Pak Su asked. “Certainly,” replied the sundry shop owner. “Do you have any bananas and butter?” Pak Su pestered him. “Why yes Pak Su,” replied the sundry shop owner albeit with a little hesitation. “So, what is holding you back, my friend? Go ahead and make a big batch of fried banana fritters so we can enjoy them.”

FLAMING BUFFALO

One day John collected twigs and fallen branches in the jungle a t the edge of his village and tied them into a bundle. He planned to use the bundles of wood as firewood to cook his meals with. After he had loaded the bundles of dry wood onto the back of his buffalo, he began to wonder if the seemingly useless branches were going to burn well. He decided to try just t o satisfy his curiosity. “Perhaps I should try lighting just a tiny corner of the bundle on the buffalo’s back,” he thought to himself. But as soon as he lit the match, the dried bundles of wood caught fire and, aided by the gentle breeze, the entire bundle quickly caught fire. Feeling the heat from the blazing bundle on its back, the helpless buffalo became terribly alarmed and started t o run away. At the sight of the unfortunate beast trying to rid itself of the burning load, John was overcome by feelings of guilt. “Perhaps I should help it,” thought John to himself. “Run towards the lake,” he yelled.

OOPS!

One morning, Alex’s neighbor asked if he could borrow Alex’s buffalo to plough his fields as his own buffalo was lame. “I just need to borrow your buffalo for a few hours please,” said the hopeful neighbor. “I would gladly let you borrow my buffalo dear neighbor,” Alex began “but unfortunately it is not here.” At that moment the buffalo began to grunt loudly from the shed. “Shame on you Alex,” said the neighbor pointing his finger at Alex in a condescending manner, “you are lying, I can hear your buffalo grunting loudly in the shed.” Alex felt insulted and was unrepentant. “My dear fellow, are you going to take my word, the word of a religious teacher, or are you going to believe a buffalo?”

J I N X

One day the Sultan decided to go on a hunting excursion. The hunt was a success and the sultan and his entourage were returning to the palace. As the sultan exited the jungle, he almost collided with Pak Pandir. The sultan's steed was startled by the sudden appearance of Pak Pandir on his pony, and reared up unexpectedly. The sultan was thrown off his horse most unceremoniously. His majesty angrily picked himself off the ground and demanded that Pak Pandir be executed for his ‘crime’. Pak Pandir was alarmed. “Most benevolent sultan, why would your majesty want this humble servant executed?” “Why?” bellowed the sultan, “because you appeared before me and caused me to be thrown from my horse; Verily you have brought me bad luck.” “O magnanimous sultan,” pleaded Pak Pandir. “I humbly declare that your majesty appeared before me and brought me even worse luck. Your majesty was merely thrown from the horse, but I am the one about to lose my head. Therefore I humbly submit to your majesty, who is the jinx, your majesty or me?”

BURIED TREASURE

At one time, John was employed as an imam in one of the villages close to his own. This particular village had an unusual tradition. The village folk used to save their meager earnings by putting their money into earthenware jars. When these jars became full, the villagers would bury the jars in their orchards. Every so often they would hold a ceremony where they would dig up the jars, count its contents and then re-bury the jars. When John learned of this tradition, he went in search of an earthenware jar he could use for the same purpose. Eventually, he found a jar which suited him, so he began filling the jar with pebbles and subsequently buried the jar and its contents in a vacant plot beside his house. His neighbor noticed what he was doing and called out, “John, you are supposed to fill your jar with money, not pebbles.” “My good man,” laughed John, “as long as it remains buried, what difference does it make if the jar contains money or pebbles?”

A JUST KISS

At one time, Alex was a magistrate in his village. A woman came to see the magistrate one day in the hopes that Alex would be able to settle a dispute. “O magistrate,” she said addressing Alex,” I was walking to the grocery store the other day, when a man, a total stranger to me, approached me and, to my shock and surprise, kissed me. I demand justice.” Alex was bemused at what had transpired but agreed that the woman deserved justice. “My good woman,” he began, “if justice is what you seek, then justice you shall have. It is my judgment that you now kiss him and have your revenge.”

PAK PANDIR THE BUSINESSMAN

John decided one day that he was sick of being poor and resolved to go into business for himself. He went off to market and bought a clutch of eggs for five cent per egg. When he got home, he painted the eggs using bright colours. He then took the painted eggs to the market and began to sell them for three cent per egg. The man who had originally sold the eggs to John noticed that something was amiss. “O John, you bought these eggs from me for five cent per egg right?” “This is true,” replied John. “Now you have painted them and are selling them for three cent per egg. What kind of a business is this? You are not making any profit.” John realized at this point, that he had made a blunder but did not want to admit his mistake. “My dear fellow,” he began, “I am making profit from the paint.”

IN HOT SOUP

One day Alex wife made oxtail soup for dinner. In her haste, she forgot that the soup was still piping hot when she served it. She took the first spoonful and burned her mouth so severely that tears began t o roll down her cheeks. “Why are you crying woman?” Alex asked gruffly. “Oh, nothing,” said his wife. “I was just reminded of my dear departed mother, may she rest in peace. She used to adore my oxtail soup. While she was speaking Alex took a big spoonful of the soup. This time his mouth was burned and tears came streaming down his cheeks. “Why on earth are you crying?” she asked. Trying really hard not to show his anger at being burned, Alex replied, “I am crying be cause your dear departed mother left me with such a merciless daughter.”

THE TIGER'S PUNISHMENT

One day John went to his orchard to look for firewood. He left his buffalo at the bottom of the hill leading up to his orchard and made his way on foot. While John was busy chopping wood, a tiger came by and attacked his buffalo. Just as the tiger was about to finish his meal, a passer-by witnessed what had happened and rushed to inform John. “Come quick! A tiger has eaten your buffalo and is escaping up this hill,” said the man. John calmly walked t o the bottom of the hill and saw the bones of his buffalo strewn about. “Well, my buffalo is already dead and nothing can be done about that,” sighed John. “As for the tiger, running uphill on a full stomach is punishment enough.”

THE BUFFALO AND THE HORSE

Alex was riding to the market place on his buffalo one day when a rich acquaintance riding a gallant horse caught up with him. The rich acquaintance was looking for an opportunity to brag about his mighty steed only to belittle and insult Alex. “Alex! Alex!” he called out in a mocking tone, “How is the buffalo?” Alex simply smiled and shot back, “The buffalo is riding a horse.”

WEDDING

It was a joyous day. Alex was to be wed. Since the impending nuptials had been arranged, Alex had not yet gazed upon his bride's countenance. It was only after the ceremony had been solemnized, and his bride had removed her veil, that John realized he had married a hideous woman. He was stunned and could not speak a word. His bride on the other hand spoke coyly. “I am at your command, my dear husband,” she said. “Now tell me, to whom shall I remained veiled, and to whom shall I be allowed to reveal my face?” Alex swallowed hard before replying, “Show your face to whosoever you like, so long as you don’t show it to me.”

THE CONCEITEO MOUNTAIN

One day John claimed that he could do whatever he wanted. The village folk wanted him to prove the outlandish claim. They said, “If it is true that you can do anything, can you ask mountain to come here?” John called out to mountain, “Mountain would you please come here for just a minute.” Of course nothing happened the mountain remained where it was. Once again he called out to the mountain, and once again nothing happened. The village folk began to giggle and snicker. Not wanting to admit defeat, John called out to the mountain again, only this time he began to walk towards it. “Hey John!” said one of the villagers. “Where are you going?” John spun around and said, “I am not a conceited person myself. If I call the mountain and it does not come to me, then I will go to it.”

THE WOK

One day, John borrowed a wok from his neighbour. After he had finished using it, he took it back to the neighbor, only this time he had placed a smaller wok inside the one he had borrowed. When the neighbor saw it, he was most surprised. “What is this?” he asked. “Well,” said John, “When I borrowed your pan it was pregnant. So while I was using it a child wok was born.” The neighbor laughed, but accepted the woks. A few months later John borrowed the wok again, but this time he did not return it.

The neighbor was a little peeved. He went to John’s house and asked him, “What happened to my wok?” “Oh it died;” replied John, “Please accept my condolences.” The neighbor became incensed. “Don't play games with me,” warned the neighbor, “How can a pan die?” “Well, it was easy for you to believe that it gave birth to a child wok,” replied John. “So why can’t you believe that it died?”

THE PIPE

One fine day, John resolved to visit his relatives. He decided to take the train so he could relax and take in the scenery. He bought his ticket, boarded the train, sat down and proceeds to light his pipe. “Aah, what comfort,” he thought as he settled into his seat puffing away enjoying the fragrant heady bouquet of the tobacco. Presently, a young woman carrying a small dog sat down in front of him and began to fan her arms in front of her face. She did not appreciate the aroma of the tobacco and was trying to indicate to John to stop smoking.

John understood what she was trying to do but paid not attention to her. After a while, John placed his pipe on the table in front of him and sank into his chair closing his eyes. The young woman thought that John was asleep, and quickly picked up his pipe and threw it out the window of the moving train. John had noticed a smiled to himself. A few minutes later, the young women stood up to reach for her bag which was stowed in the overhead luggage rack. This was John's opportunity. He picked up the small dog and threw it out the window of the moving train. When the young women returned to her seat, she was shocked to find her dog missing. “Have you seen my dog?” she asked John. “O yes,” replied John, “Your dog went to fetch my pipe.”

THE DREAM

One night while Alex was sleeping, he began to have a dream. In his dream some people came to him offering him eight gold coins, but Alex wanted ten. So he refused the eight coins thinking he would negotiate. Suddenly he awoke, and saw that his hands were bare. So he quickly closed his eyes again and said, “All right, I will accept eight coins."

ABU AND GOD

One day Abu was traveling a long way from his village. After several hours of walking, he became quite tired and decided to rest a while. While he was resting, he raised his hands in supplication and began to utter a prayer. “O God,” he said. “Please send me a goat.” A few minutes later, a man on a pony came riding by. He was leading a young goat. The man approached Abu, stopped next to him and bellowed, “You there, useless creature! Instead of lazing about, carry this goat, it is tired.” Although Abu said that he too was tired, the burly man beat him with a stick, so the unfortunate Abu lifted the goat onto his shoulders. Then the man on the pony proceeded on his way. Every time Abu slowed down, the tyrannical man beat him. After many excruciating hours, they finally reached the village. The man relieved Abu of his burden and left without thanking him. Abu collapsed in a heap on the earth and slept for many hours. When he awoke, he raised his hands in supplication once again and murmured, “O God! What happened? Was it that I couldn't explain, or that you did not understand?"

THE MOURNING CHICKEN

One day Abu discovered that one of his chickens was missing. He searched hi and lo for it but it was nowhere to be found. After tea, he went to the chicken coop, tore a small peace of black cloth from his sarong, and tied it around the neck of another chicken. After a couple of days, the villagers became curious and asked Abu why the chicken had a black piece of cloth tied around its neck. Abu replied, “This chicken is mourning for its mother.”

HEAVY PANTS

One night Alex’s neighbours heard a frightful noise coming from Alex's house. The next morning they asked, “What was that frightful noise last night? It sounded like someone falling down the stairs.” “Oh yes, my pants fell down the stairs,” replied Alex. “Can pants make such a noise?” asked the neighbour. “If you were in them, like I was, then yes.”

HAIR GROW REMEDY

A man came to see John one day seeking ad vice on a very delicate problem. You see, the man had been steadily losing his hair and wondered if there was something he could do to encourage his hair to grow. John listened to his predicament carefully and then said, “I know what you must do. Dissolve two teaspoons of salt in water and rub the water all over the affected areas. Do this five times a day for a week and then come back and see me. “The man appeared satisfied and rushed home to follow John’s instructions. After a week the man once again came to see John. “How is your condition now?” asked John. “I’m not sure your remedy has helped me,” said the man. “I am still losing my hair but now my skin is tight and very itchy. Why did you ask me to rub salt water on my hair?” John thought for a while and said, “If you had followed my instructions, your hair follicles would have become so thirsty they would have come out for a drink.”